Warning: Hormonal Rant Ahead
Proceed at your own risk.
I don't seem to have a strong sense of Self. I'm not sure how it happened that even at the ripe old age of 400, I don't have a clear definition of who I am. While some of my preferences remain constant, many of my likes and dislikes change like the autumn leaves (how's that for a timely analogy?). I seem to be constantly fluctuating and evolving.
And am I the only one who has fads? My latest thing is Alaska. I can't seem to get enough of hearing about life in Alaska. I'm reading books on it, I'm watching old Northern Exposure reruns, I even found a couple blogs. I dream of moving to Alaska. It's such a big focus right now, but I know in a few months this, too, shall pass.
I also wonder how other people see me, because you know...how we feel inside, and what people see are usually two different things. I would love to know what other people think when they see me. What kind of first impression do I give off?
I do have an awareness that certain other people seem to think I'm stupid. Maybe that's too harsh a word. How about..."slow" "simple" "thickheaded" Maybe it has something to do with my blond hair. Maybe it has something to do with the (frustrating) fact that I'm a better writer than speaker. (And my writing's not all that great!) But I tend not to be all that articulate or confident when I have to verbally explain processes to people. I run into this a lot at work. I can do things on the computer, but I'm not famliar with the proper terminology for everything, so it's hard to explain it to others, or to report problems I encounter without a lot of words like "thingy" and "whatchamacallit" and "ya know....the THING! on the PAGE."
I'm pretty sure this makes me come across as ignorant. But, I have to say, although there are many things I'm not sure of about myself, this I know: I am not stupid. And it's so frustrating and maddening to be treated like I'm wandering the earth with one brain cell.
A couple weeks ago I was at a conference for work, and an ex-boss walked by and said, "Hey! It's been a while. It's good to see you again." Then, instead of saying, "Have you been enjoying the conference?" he says, "So, has this been overwhelming for you?" as if he couldn't begin to comprehend why my current boss would've sent me to this thing. That question threw me off. I stumbled..I stammered...and he patted me on the back like I was a retarded ferret and muttered the most condescending "Yeahhhhh" I have ever heard.
What really bothered me is when that happened, someone who I thought was my friend laughed. And now you're thinking... "He was probably just joking around with you. You're being too sensitive." If it wasn't for the fact that I (and everyone else who did my previous job) was routinely treated in a similar fashion, I'd agree with you. But now I'm starting to realize that this man honestly thinks I'm an idiot, and because he was the leader of that department, it seems that he has passed that attitude along to a few people that I thought were friends. People that are nice to me, but now and then, treat me with that same Pat On The Back mentality, and I just could never figure out where that was coming from. And to think I used to stick up for that man when other people started muttering about how they didn't like him....
Anyway, to add insult to injury, once I got back from the conference and started putting what I learned into practice, my access to that program was immediately restricted. By someone in another department. Who is friends with Mr. Arrogant, and who I thought was a good friend of mine. Ya know...the one who laughed when I was dissed. It was as if he automatically assumed that I was going to screw up the entire program...that I was so dumb, it was inevitable that I would get in there and start deleting code; a little here -- a little there as the mood struck. So, now that the company I work for paid $900 for me to learn a program, I am unable to actually use it beyond what I was doing before...which was the bare minimum. What a great use of funds. I would've benefitted more if they had just paid me $900 to stay home.
Ok...I could go on, but I won't. Somehow these people are blind to my capabilities, and it's just so exasperating and deflating. And the reason I'm yammering about it today is because it just happened again this afternoon. Not with a work issue, but on more of a personal level with the person I thought was my friend...the person that laughed when I was belitted three weeks ago. It's slowly dawning on me that this person isn't a friend at all. That's a hard fact to realize, because I really enjoy their company most of the time. I normally look forward to spending time with them; to talking to them and emailing them. But then I get that Pat On The Back, and it just pisses me off and confuses me. This afternoon, it made me burst into tears as soon as I was alone (undoubtedly partially pms-driven. Doesn't take much to make the tears flow.) But I thought they knew me. Clearly, they don't. And what's more, it doesn't seem like they want to. Their opinion of me seems to have been set -- possibly by someone else -- years ago, and I don't think there's anything I can do to change it. I guess I need to stay away from them. Which is just so sad. I lost a friend.
|